A Biginner's Guide to the Catholic Mass (humor)

With a H/T to Postscripts from the Catholic Spitfire Grill

A Beginner's Guide to the Catholic Mass (humor)

A good friend sent me these and they made me giggle. If accidentally got here looking for something serious, try this post here.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: Sung at the conclusion of the Mass, often more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (For all non-Catholics [and non-Greeks], it means 'Lord, have mercy.')

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't overed by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough)PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been go ing to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: A more important Top Ten List than any given by David Letterman.